Emergency brings Clarity

I have posted here in a very long time. You see, I had a very bad accident and Master and I seem to have dropped everything. We stopped living and lived day to day with my pain. It is funny how everything you do everyday will just not be a thought in your head when something traumatic happens in your life. Master became husband and he took on a familiar role of taking care of me with my medical needs. I didnt call out to my Master. I called out to the man who has been my care giver many times over, my husband. It was’nt intentional just emotional. I was and am scared and in a lot of pain.

Now, almost five months later, I am still in pain and deal with emotional upsets and fears, but I am asking for my Master.

I found it important to realize what title I used when I needed the man in my life. How without a thought I went to my husband. I felt guilty that I did not ask for my Master and how we went back to our previous lifestyle. But then I realized that W/we may be Master and slave, but Master has many responsibilities and roles. W/we started as a married couple of 20 years and we cannot dismiss this as if it never existed.

Now as we head towards out 23 rd anniv. And our 3rd year off our collaring ceremony I don’t feel bad for us stiopping our dynamic. We just took a different side of our diamond of life to meet a need that we had a strong history in.

Renewel

Master and i have been discussing our interaction with our local BDSM group and how it meets our needs. This discussion brought back to logging onto Husdom and subMrs to speak with other married couples in the life. We love our group, but the deeper needs that we originally started in this life we can find with LK and Mr. Fox. Now we need to learn to juggle both.

I am happier with the calm atmosphere with Lk and if Master will log on and be happy with Husdom, then i am very happy.

Filthy Dream No. 6

Love this more than I can express….

 

 

Tall, Dark and Dominant

I have filthy dreams you know.
Mostly, I’m ravaging my poor kitty six ways to Sunday. Or however that expression goes.

Last night, however..
I was outside, curating over a series of women all naked and crucified, wriggling, moaning, shaven, slick with sweat, ripe with fear – a series of women all chained to the walls underneath a pale grey sky.
All shapes, all sizes.

Brunette. Blonde. Redhead. Strawberry blonde.

Purple.

I walked past them one by one, watching their chest heave in fear.
I remember it being dark. And not the mood, the evening was darkening. Thunder was booming.
I was selecting a woman, you see. Someone to take down and have my way with.
I can’t remember much of what comes next, except that I put my hands around her neck and squeezed.

That I could feel my cock split her cunt open and get slicked up with…

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Neutral to Drive

I am afraid to say that I lost the Dom that was coaching me with no warning. it put in me in a bad place and I have not blogged since then. It is funny how one person, whom you trust, can mess you up badly with a reckless action of leaving with no reason.

Well, I will try to get back on here now that I am feeling better and have worked through it. It definitely has been a difficult year for me with mentors or coaches. Master has been so good through all of it and supports me in either way that I choose to take these bumps in the road. I think I am done with accepting help from others with my health or training as a slave. Live and learn, and that I have seen enough of for the moment. lol

Falling, Spiraling, Deeper Down

I’m in a bad place. Sir J is dealing with life right now and is very busy. I understand this and  support him entirely. Our relationship was built around helping me with my health and motivating me with routine and support to get my life back on track. This has through no one’s fault pretty much been set aside while he deals with his issues. I am trying to keep some of what we established in place but Im findi g more and more difficult. Many things we established have stopped, and I am scared the rest will fall away  as well. My mental health is sliding back to where it was. 

I finally told Sir J today in an email. Our communication has been effected as well. I feel bad telling him, but I feel as if I am curling inside of myself and falling away. I want to be supportive of him, but how when I cant deal with me.tmp_5473-img_5334861438245

What I Need and Seem to be Lacking

I have a tendency to be needy. I know…slaves should be independent and know their place while feeling confident that they are loved and needed. Well, I don’t play that ideal very well. I am needy and cannot feel stagnant.

Each day I have my protocols and expectations. I do each of them and try to deal with my busy schedule at work and at home at night. This at times can be too much, but I do it to please Master.

Sir J is working to get my diet stabilized and he is doing a great job with my mood swings from having my diet changed.

Here lays the problem. My attention has to be focused on meeting my goals and being needed throughout the day and evening. Lately, both Doms seem a little preoccupied with other things and I get the feeling of being in an idle position. My mind will wander, I will get depressed, and then I will shut down. I have been this way for a few years and it scares me when it happens. Part of this problem is not having a drive to do anything either, so it is a double edge sword of negativity for me. So what am I to do when both Doms are busy and don’t need me. I am not sure.

Plus, Sir J is moving and will be near his no. 1 submissive. This tends to bother me some as well. I have had a few  bad experiences with this and I am very nervous that he will become even more busy and I will be placed aside and eventually forgotten. How can I be so demanded of at my job and so not needed or feel as not needed in my own home?

 

Grrrrrrr

This has been a very trying week. I am stilling recouping from the sinus infection I had, and it was a very stressful week at work as well. To top it I blew my diet and didn’t get much sleep. So my temperament has been low and there has not been very much time for Master and I. That is something that I do not like to see happen. We barely get time alone now, but we both have been sick for the past month off and on. Talk about feeling the frustration building.

This week has to be better. Master ended the week with a reaffirming of my position and what I am to him and what I do for him. That felt so good to be back on track.

Clothes or Not

Being submissive has so many advantages. To me, I love to feel sexy. It comes naturally, but in the real world, it has to be toned down and covered with vanilla clothing. I am not talking about dress like a slut. Dress the way that makes you feel sexy. For me, that is high heels and skirts or thigh high dresses. I also love summer drehttps%3A%2F%2F40.media.tumblr.com%2F7f913c5ea6af10e9b65704c47a4b7e08%2Ftumblr_mvijvowqur1srxbd4o9_500sses that flow as you walk. That is sexy. It can be hard in the dead of winter to feel sexy. Especially when it is so cold and you want to wear sweat pants to bed. Master prefers no clothing, but when its hitting below the zero mark, preference goes out the window and survival kicks.

I  am just trying to say, it is nice to wear a short skirt and 4 inch heels to an event and be amongst others that don’t think twice about the way you dressed.

He is Back

I have been ill for quite awhile this month and Master has been very supportive. He has asked nothing from me and just been there for what ever I needed or even for all my emotional outbursts. On top of this, I have started a diet and have Sir as a coach. So both have been very supportive, but I am getting better and they are now looking at me with interest.

Master took the hand today and spanked me. Boy was I not ready for that. Nor was I ready to serve Master. I was happy to make him happy and satisfied again; to feel his hands in my hair, the pull and pain was exquisite.

Emotional roller coaster and being sick sent me flying. I was missing Master very much, but wow, did I not want a sore bottom today. Now, hours later, I am so glad to be back on track with Master.

Now Sir, he has been great. I have not wanted to eat or eat well. He didn’t let me get away with not eating. I have been so tired that I didn’t want to get up. Sir made me and I ate wonderful meals that Master cooked for me. It probably helped me get well faster than I might have if I hid in bed. Because of Sir, I probably didn’t gain any weight from eating healthy meals and Master enjoyed them too.